Ugo Bank

Ugonna nwa m,

Kedu ka eke si anya anwu? How are you doing? I received the news of your new employment with joy. I am happy that you got a job in a bank. I have always wanted one of my children to be in the bank. To touch money and have money! This job came in good time. Nwanyiamaka, your sister, can now proudly proceed to Medical School since she has a capable big sister who can handle her school fees and not bat an eyelid. Your mother too is very excited. She displayed her dancing skills for close to an hour the day your message got to us. The waist that I thought had retired came alive that night. She reminded me of the Erinma whose waist, young men fell over themselves to watch during festivals. Ah, how time flies and men age!

This letter is to tell you that your father is proud of you. You are setting the pace for your sisters. They will emulate your independent spirit and try to fight for their place in life instead of sitting back here and waiting for your mother and I to take wine to Hon Omego for a job at the Local Government Council. That man is very arrogant. I hear he now demands different brands of wine as well as a ‘token fee’ of N200,000 before one can be considered for his employment list. You know how much I hate to kiss another man’s arse and you have saved me that shame. You are a true daughter of your father. If you all continue like this, then I may never regret refusing the kinsmen’s advice to take a second wife after your mother had four girls for me.

My new status as the father of a banker has brought enemies along with o. The other day, someone overheard Mazi Nsude telling his wife and in-law that it is a pitiful thing that my own daughter has joined the league of female professional prostitutes.

He said that they go to the market in the cities and use their bodies to raise money for their banks. Well, his case with me is still brewing. It is either I show him pepper personally or Amadioha will twist his neck very soon. These people always have a way of trying to ruin those who are more progressive than they are. Is it my fault that his son is still going from one special exam centre to the other just to pass JAMB? He not even crossed the gates of a university and his father is making noise. Hmmm. . . Anyway, let me hold my temper for now.

These days when I sit to drink my palm wine in the evenings, I smile to myself and rub my belly because I know good tidings are here. Before next year runs out, I know my daughter will replace my old motorcycle with a car. I say next year because I am not a selfish father. This year is for your own car. Next year will be for mine. Chai! I can’t wait to start driving again. After I lost my beloved my Peugeot pick-up to that motor accident many years back, I have longed to handle the steering wheel again. Alas, my daughter will bring that dream to pass soon! Have I ever told you that pick-up was one of your mother’s attractions to me? Yes, it was. Who wouldn’t want to marry a handsome, promising young man with a vehicle? Tell me.

Nne, in addition to the monthly allowance you will be sending to us, I will also be needing a monthly supply of mint N50 and N100 notes. This status goes with a lot of expectations too. I will have to pay my age grade dues with new notes, neatly packaged in a brown envelope. I should spray mint notes at wedding ceremonies. When I step out to meet the couple, everyone should know that Ichie Achilihu has arrived. I can’t afford to spray anything short of new notes anymore. You know the way these things happen so I should not be explaining so much.

Yes, talking about wedding ceremonies, you have to open your eyes now. Forget the entire I-don’t-care attitude you used to exhibit towards men when you were still an undergraduate. I ignored them because I reasoned you did not want to be distracted from school. Endeavour to come to the village at Christmas. That is when many of our illustrious sons living in the cities and abroad visit. Whenever any of your cousins is getting married, please come home. When you come, help in the kitchen and try to be noticed too. It helps your image. While you are at it, please wear skirts. The mothers of these young men do not always approve of girls who wear bum shorts in public. You can always wear them when you are finally married to the man. If you catch a young man’s attention and he makes his moves, encourage him. You are my first daughter and first daughters are better married in their town of origin. Don’t forget also that a woman’s season is fleeting. If you waste time, the suitors might begin to bypass you and look the way of your sisters. I don’t intend to talk to you about this again. It is almost time for the Igwe’s council meeting so I shall stop here.

My daughter, you will prosper. The man that shall speak evil against you will grow dumb before the words form in his mouth. You shall be in front when calamity is behind and if it is happening ahead, you shall be behind. Your feet will lead you to the presence of kings and your face will bring you favour. Ehen. . . before I forget, I expect you next month for Adanze’s traditional wedding ceremony. I know a banker like you will not like the way our house looks at the moment. The paint on the walls has washed greatly. Ikechukwu, who lives opposite the cathedral, is a very good painter. You just have to send the money and you will be happy with the house you’ll meet when you come.

Stay well,


Ichie Achilihu

(A na-ekwu ekwu, A na-eme eme)

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  • Reply
    Obinna umah
    December 27, 2016 at 9:51 pm

    Nice piece. Keep it up.

  • Reply
    R Matthews
    December 28, 2016 at 1:45 pm

    Brilliant. I enjoyed reading it.

  • Reply
    Emeka Williams
    January 15, 2017 at 5:53 pm

    Jesu!!! 🙂

    At least he was candid enough to list his demands in plain and simple English na. 🙂

    Others aren’t that lucky (when 80% of communication and feedback from the family is non-verbal) 🙂

    Oya get to work!

    • Reply
      February 21, 2017 at 5:23 pm

      Hahahaha. . .Some family members can be quite troublesome.

  • Reply
    February 6, 2017 at 3:26 pm

    hahaha……I can only laugh

  • Reply
    January 9, 2018 at 12:41 pm

    Only if he knew it’s a contract job of 50k

    • Reply
      January 10, 2018 at 10:07 pm

      Hahahahaha. Well, the grass always looks greener from the other side.

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